vorrutyer | (no subject)

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From:

vorrutyer

If I were a spy. Why would keeping the secret matter?

[ He purses his lips in a simulacrum of thoughtfulness. ]

Don't spies live and die by their cover stories?

From:

flashystyle

If you were one. Right.

[He resists rolling his eyes, keeping them trained on his expression.]

Your agency is gone. And yes, it is a terrible thing, we'd all like this is all a nightmare that we should wake up from where everyone isn't lost. But it isn't. The people you were with, what you've done - I can't use that against you and I don't want to. So, why does it matter?

From:

vorrutyer

[ By's smile remains fixed, cheerful, light. But after a moment, his gaze slides away, and he tucks a hand into his pocket. And he says: ]

What tipped you off?

From:

flashystyle

That game you played with everyone. Two truths, one lie. I saw you when you were actually drunk afterward, and it put all the others nights where you were pretending to be in perspective. But that isn't enough by itself... No, you ask questions during your performance, you get some idea of what everyone is like so you can save it for a rainy day.

[Some tension ebbs from his stance, now that it's off his chest. But his expression remains stern.]

It isn't obvious. It helps that I've kept the company of one before.

From:

vorrutyer

Yes.

[ He'd mentioned him. Does that provide some small comfort? That it's not that he's so obvious - that it's just connections, coincidence, and a very clever man? - No, not really. He's still rather angry at himself. Very sloppy, Byerly, says a voice in his head that sounds very much like Alys Vorpatril's.

By looks over at Dorian. The smile is gone now. So is much of the vague foolishness that he wears habitually. Left in its place is a focused sort of grimness. Tired, too. He is tired. ]

So perhaps you understand, then. My primary loyalty is not - cannot ever be - to anything save Barrayar. A spy takes oaths.

From:

flashystyle

[It's very tempting, to remain frustrated and lecture Byerly on how unhealthy of a lifestyle it is until he's out of breath. But Dorian understands that loyalty, that loss, the need to stay true to how things have always been. Byerly became a spy, and Dorian became an ambassador, and they both failed to keep things safe.

So his expression softens.] I'm not asking you to break them. But being loyal doesn't mean you can't make room for anything else.

From:

vorrutyer

[ A very, very slight smile crosses his face, and there's a little bit of irony in his voice. ]

No? Monogamy limits one's prospects for having affairs.

From:

flashystyle

[That gets a small chuckle out of him.]

You aren't exactly known for being monogamous. Sorry to say.

From:

vorrutyer

On the contrary, dear Dorian. I've kept faith with the love of my life for the past decade.

From:

flashystyle

Over a decade? I must say, I'm impressed. No wonder you're so hard to seduce.

From:

vorrutyer

Habit is stronger than love, they say.

[ No they don't. ]

So are you often in the habit of trusting spies, dear Dorian?

From:

flashystyle

[Literally no one says that.]

Is it a habit, if it only occurs two or three times? And two very different kinds of trust, and... And you're making this about me.

From:

vorrutyer

[ Yep. ]

What was the difference, then? Between your other spy and myself.

From:

flashystyle

Well, I trusted him with my life, and... I... also trust you with that, but not in that way...

[Hm.]

I didn't tell him the same things I tell you. The other spy, Bull, we simply... kept each other safe.

From:

vorrutyer

Mm. The same things you told me. About your father?

[ He looks at a point just to the left of Dorian's head. ]

From:

flashystyle

[Dorian looks to the wine bottle, left on a clean shelf.]

Yes. My father, or that I usually didn't bed the same men twice, or what my country was like, or...

[He clears his throat, looking away from the bottle.] We weren't friends.

From:

vorrutyer

Mm.

[ No. Of course not. What impossible trust, that Dorian had told him that... ]

And why did he spy? What drove him to it?

From:

flashystyle

[He purses his lips, at a loss of how to explain it, for once. After a moment:]

His... people... raise their children under strict categories. They don't have families, or normal lives - they're all cogs in a great machine. His elders knew he wasn't going to make for a good soldier, terribly stubborn thing that he is, so they dubbed him Hissrad. That is one who creates illusions, or liar. And that is how he lived, because if you don't fall in line, you're re-educated, or exiled and expected to die.

From:

vorrutyer

Hm.

[ There's a little twitch of his lips. Not amusement, but - some cousin to amusement. ]

And here I thought I was the first Barrayaran you'd met.

From:

flashystyle

I'd say you'd be perfect for each other, but I don't think I want to think of the mess that would be. Maker, you'd need a new bed.

[He shakes his head with a short laugh, then brings his gaze back to Byerly.]

He was happier, when he let people in.

From:

vorrutyer

It seems possible, Dorian, that you might have an ulterior motive for reporting what did or didn't make him happy.

[ Then, with a little shake of his head: ]

I was not precisely a spy. A spy, after all, is one sent in amongst one's enemies, no? Someone who goes out and uses his wits and courage to defend the Empire...and if he has to lie, so what? A man's enemies deserve it.

I was a surveillance operative. An informant. Remember that label? [ He taps on his chest in memory of that sticker, the very first day he arrived. ] It accused me of betraying my friends, and it was quite right. I earn their trust, and I feed their every action - their every word, things told to me in confidence - back to my government. Are those the actions of a good man?

From:

flashystyle

[He shifts his weight, listening with reluctance. It answers many of his questions, but it makes his argument harder to make. He still feels his assessment is right, but... He takes a moment to answer.]

They aren't the actions of a bad one, if that's what you want to hear. It was your job. What else were you to do but your duty, if Barrayar had nothing else to offer you?

From:

vorrutyer

Anything.

[ He tilts his head slightly to the side. There's challenge in his eyes. ]

Isn't that the point you've been making to me all this time? That there are so many other options available to me. But this is the one I chose. It's the one I continue to choose.

From:

flashystyle

My point is that your choice is not a life sentence. That I won't stop you from whatever it is you're doing, but you don't always have to keep it up. That it isn't so urgent that you have to exhaust yourself, that you don't have problems being sincere, that you can accept that people care about you.

[He sighs, meeting his eyes somewhat tiredly. His anger's worn off.]

Habit... is not stronger than love. No one says that.

From:

vorrutyer

Mm.

[ He looks away, his mouth set in an uneasy line. He doesn't respond to that. Instead, after a moment: ]

What you want out of life - You want to see to things that are rotten. Right? That's what drives you. Changing things that are rotten.